Illumination
by CaseyRachel88
Summary: Reid is afraid of the dark, and Hotch finds out why. Established Hotch/Reid relationship.


Illumination

Summary: Reid is afraid of the dark, and Hotch finds out why. Established Hotch/Reid relationship.

Rating: T – for implied sexual activities and memories of bullying, etc. There's nothing graphic, but better safe than sorry.

Disclaimer: They're not mine, of course. Not even a psychopath is that crazy. :-)

Author's Note: This story makes mention of my previous story, "Storming," but it's not at all necessary to have read that one to understand this one – this is more like a vein from that story.

Any and all feedback is appreciated – feel free to point out any errors, tell me what does and doesn't work, etc. :-) I hope you enjoy!

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"_The depth of darkness to which you can descend and still live is an exact measure of the height to which you can aspire to reach."_

– _Laurens__ Van du Post_

Reid knew the lights were going to go off a split second before it happened. Strong winds had been causing the electric to flicker on and off throughout the day, and now it was evening. Darkness encased Spencer as he took a deep breath, attempting to calm his racing heart. _Okay, find a flashlight, find candles, find something to get out of this darkness! _Facts regarding electricity and power-outages lit up his mind as he searched for something useful to illuminate the room.

Aaron Hotchner, who had been in the shower as the lights blinked and then died, hurried to finish as quickly as possible. He knew from experience that when he stepped out of the bathroom, he would likely find his lover curled up and hyperventilating.

Sure enough, when he entered the living room after dressing, he could barely see the outline of Spencer Reid on the loveseat. Both legs were pulled up to the young man's chest, his arms wrapped around his legs defensively. Hotch suspected that Reid had his forehead resting on his knees, but couldn't see well enough to tell for sure. Sounds of sharp, quick breathes could be heard as Spencer attempted to regulate his breathing and calm his widely racing heart.

Hotch made his way over, careful not to knock into anything in his path. Clouds had descended earlier, blocking the light from the stars, but now they were dissipating and allowing the tiniest tendrils of light to appear.

"The transistor probably went down," Hotch said knowingly. "The electricity should be back in a few hours."

Reid flinched when Aaron spoke, having not heard the other man enter the room. "I couldn't find the candles," Reid whispered, finally.

Aaron knew about Reid's fear of the dark. He seemed to tolerate it well enough when they were in the field, probably compartmentalizing enough to avoid a meltdown… but when he wasn't working, darkness could move him into a state of terror. A few months ago, the power had blown in the BAU office due to a direct hit from a lightning strike. The team had gone home for the weekend already, but Spencer had stuck around waiting for Aaron who had been finishing paperwork. When he had stepped out of his office a few minutes later to head home, he had found Reid clutching a small flashlight, frantically flashing it around in all directions. Hotch hadn't pressed the issue at the time when Spencer refused to discuss it.

Where the young man's emergency flashlight was now, Aaron didn't know, but from the sound of Reid fighting panic, he clearly didn't have it. The intake of breathes was slowing down now, probably due to the presence of his lover, but his body was still tense as a bow string.

Aaron knew he needed to hunt down the emergency candles he had put somewhere in his apartment, but he wanted to make sure Spencer wasn't going to have a heart attack first.

"Spencer?"

"Can-can you just get a candle or flashlight, please?" The soft response was the only answer he would get.

Aaron nodded, knowing that Spencer probably couldn't see him, before promising he would be right back. Two minutes later he came back with a candle. It was low, and would probably only throw light for an hour at the most before burning out. Aaron had meant to buy a replacement, but had forgotten and now he could kick himself for it. Hopefully it would last until the power came back on… if not, he wasn't sure what he would do to calm Reid. Probably go out and buy more.

When Aaron came back with the candle burning, Spencer sighed in relief. He was afraid of the dark. He never hid that fact, never made it a deep dark secret that no one knew. When people asked him the reasoning behind the fear, he always answered that it was because of the inherent absence of light. And that was entirely true: if you were in the dark, you couldn't see what was around you.

But it was more than just that. For Spencer, light kept insanity at bay, kept evil hiding in shadows. The darkness brought back memories he'd rather keep locked away, and the light acted as the gate that guarded them.

Spencer felt the loveseat dip as Aaron took a seat beside him. The older agent reached a hand out tentatively and placed it on his lover's knee. Reid's heart calmed at the love and support he found in Hotch.

"Aaron – do you remember a while back, when you asked me why I was afraid of the dark?"

Hotch nodded. Reid had helped him work through one of his own fears that night, and afterward, Aaron had asked Spencer why he feared the darkness. Reid had replied that his fear was a story for another day, and Aaron had let the matter drop. "I remember," he replied.

Spencer nodded slightly to himself, before crossing his arms over his chest. "Well, I guess today is as good a day as any, right?" Then, Reid smiled, but not from amusement. Rather, it was one that screamed of quiet sorrow, of heartache and world-weariness. It crushed Aaron's heart to see his lover so jaded.

"See, Aaron, when you have a mother who's a paranoid schizophrenic," Spencer hesitated for just a moment, before continuing on, "the dark usually isn't the best place to be."

Understanding flooded Hotch's mind as he realized what his lover meant. Regret filled him for having mentioned the issue, even if it had been a while back. It wasn't like Spencer would forget he'd said it. Aaron never wanted to bring up memories for Spencer that were painful and probably better left buried. "Spencer, I'm sorry, please don't feel like you have to talk about it if you don't-"

But Spencer knew that already, so he simply shook his head. "I don't mind, Aaron. Really. I've just-just never really talked to anyone about it before… so, I don't know, maybe it'll help me process it. Mom used to say I worked non-statistical things out by talking about them. Maybe she's right."

A brief pause, and then, "A month or so after my father left, Mom went into sort of a tailspin." Warm brown eyes met Hotch's, and the sadness rooted there made him want to weep for the injustice of it. Spencer continued. "Mom wasn't well most days, although at that point she was still teaching a few days a week. When our kitchen light burned out, I put in a work order with the maintenance men in the apartment complex to change the bulb. I told Mom they would be coming, and it was fixed while she was away working. A few weeks later, the same thing happened with the hall light. I put the work order in, but this time, when the guys came to fix the bulb Mom was home. She just… started screaming. Said they were listening in on us. It didn't matter how many times I told her that they were only here to fix the bulb; I hurried them out but the damage was done. She shattered every light bulb in our apartment that day. It was weeks before she let me replace them."

"By eleven, I understood Mom was going from a delusion to a paranoid delusion when the lights were off. At one point, she thought that the government had inserted equipment in the light switches to spy on us. When they were on, we could be heard; when they were off, the bugs wouldn't work. We would live in the dark for a week or two, until her episode was over…" Reid looked up at Aaron, his hands gesturing wildly and causing the candle light to flicker as his hands created wind against the single light. "I didn't try to make things worse for her, I swear," he pleaded for understanding.

His mind could still recall those days with the accuracy that only came from someone with an eidetic memory. Every word, every image, every terrible moment, was forever burned into the brain of the then-eleven year-old who witnessed it. _Why are you doing this Spencer? They're SPYING on us – they're going to try to hurt us! They want us for our minds. They'll do experiments on us. On YOU! And you're HELPING them do it! My own son, betraying me – no different than Goneril and Regan when they betrayed their own father, King Lear! You may not be stupid Spencer, but sometimes you can be so BRAINLESS!_ Tears had clouded his eyes, unable to even defend himself and remind her that King Lear had set his own betrayal in motion by betraying his youngest daughter Cordelia in the first place. Even after all these years, Spencer could still recall the insanity that danced in his mother's eyes and the crash of broken glass as she smashed each light bulb in the apartment for the second time in as many years.

Meanwhile, Aaron internally cursed Spencer's father for being such as coward as to abandon his sick wife and young son. Externally he tried to reassure the younger man. "Spencer, your mom was sick," he reasoned. "She couldn't separate delusions from reality anymore – that wasn't your fault…"

Spencer shook his head sadly. "Around that time Mom started to think I was helping "them." I had to announce when I was walking into a room, because she thought I was trying to sneak up on her. She accused me of attempting to poison her a few times and would throw out all of our food…" Images of plates being thrown across the room – sometimes in the direction of a much younger version of himself – flashed like bursts of light across his brain before he managed to put those memories away again.

Shock and horror splayed across Aaron's face before he had the grace to hide his reactions. He briefly hoped that Spencer hadn't seen the emotions the flashed through his features for that brief moment, but damn! For a child to have to deal with that… it was unthinkable.

No such luck. "Aaron, it really wasn't that bad all the time! I know it sounds bad – but, really, it only happened few times a month. Usually she just muttered to herself. Occasionally she would even be lucid enough to ask me how things were going at school." Aaron winced at Spencer's use of the word "even" – as if having a mother to ask about how things were going at school classified to him as above and beyond all normal expectations. Spencer snorted at a memory, the ghost of a real smile crossing his face. "Once when I came in with a black eye," he said, "she was aware enough to call the principal about it. I had teachers walking me to and from my classes for a month."

Aaron smiled at the image of a much younger Spencer being escorted to his classes, probably reciting statistics about school bullying as they went.

"So that's why you're afraid of the dark? Because of your mom?" Aaron knew that to most, it would seem like he was making light of the situation or being callous, but he trusted that Spencer would know that he truly wanted to understand.

Spencer dropped his eyes, and without even meaning to Aaron unconsciously profiled the action: he was hiding something. There was more going on than only Spencer's mother's reluctance for light, something he hadn't admitted yet…

"Well, there were some other things, I guess. They just reinforced my dislike and it became a phobia, I suppose…" Spencer hedged. "Nothing important."

"Spencer, what happened?" Hotch asked. He debated on using his "I-am-FBI-and-you-will-do-as-I-say" voice, but discarded it. Spencer needed to be coaxed into getting rid of the secret that seemed to so press on him, not have it hijacked by the man who was supposed to be supportive. Clearly what Spencer was referring to had been something that the younger agent had kept to himself for a long time.

Silence settled and for a few minutes both men were content to let it ride. While Spencer gathered his thoughts, Aaron really looked at the man beside him who was being bathed in soft candlelight. To others, he knew that Spencer could seem weaker in regards to physically strength. In reality, Spencer was strong, but due to clothing choices and a subdued personality in semi-large groups, others misjudged him. _It's probably why every UnSub seems to head straight for him whenever they're looking for a hostage or someone to abduct. They're like a moth drawn to a flame,_ Hotch thought wryly. But if someone took the time and really looked at Spencer – that whole persona changed. There was an inner strength that could be seen in Spencer's eyes that spoke of someone who had been thrown into darkness and still managed to find the light on the other side.

A slight clearing of Reid's throat brought Aaron back to the present. "Hotch," he said slowly, "You know as well as I do that any twelve-year-old prodigy at a public high school is going to get bullied." Spencer's voice had changed. It was rougher, more guarded, but still open to the man he knew as a lover. "And some of the stuff they did just…" Spencer selected his words carefully. "…amplified it."

Aaron's frown grew deeper. "Such as?"

"Stuffing me in lockers and locking me in a janitor's closet for a night." Spencer muttered quickly, leaving almost no pauses between his words.

Even Hotch's famous control had a limit, and Reid's words had just blown it out of the water. "Did you just say they stuffed you in lockers and kept you in a CLOSET?" Hotch asked, his voice wavering in anger. God damn it! If he had the names of the people who had tormented Spencer, Hotch would use his authority to have their lives ruined, or at least their credit score destroyed for the next decade.

Reid, however, shrugged. He knew he'd been bullied badly as a child, and he knew the facts for what happened to children who were bullied and had a history of mental disorders in the family. "One or the other wouldn't have been bad, Aaron. Finally getting out of the dark closet and then going home to a dark house – it just left me a little freaked out." _Screaming, clawing at the door, the scent of cleaning products becoming overwhelming and having to steady his breathing as the air around him became warm from his panic attack. Relief that lit up his features as the door was finally opened four hours later by the security guard patrolling the hallways in anticipation of the senior prank that was supposed to be pulled that week. Embarrassment when he turned down the opportunity to call his mom to pick him up, and the humiliation of explaining to the principal how he'd managed to get trapped in a cleaning closest in the first place. Fear when entering into the one place he was supposed to feel safe and didn't, because there should have been lights casting a warm glow through the windows and there wasn't any. There was only darkness waiting for him as he stepped into his home._

It was a miracle Reid wasn't like the UnSubs they hunted down, Hotch decided. And Reid had been "a little freaked out." A LITTLE FREAKED OUT? _That qualifies as the understatement of the century,_ he thought bitterly.

Spencer could see that Aaron was upset for him, and despite how much his heart was hurting with the process of digging through the memories, it made him feel better knowing that Aaron cared. Knowing that Aaron was angry for him, even though the bullying had happened so long ago, even when there was nothing that could be done… knowing that Aaron still cared made all the difference in the world.

"If nothing else," Spencer said, his tone more relaxed as the worst of the secret-telling was over, "I did learn to start keeping flashlights in my pockets. I tried candles once, but just after I got the thing lit a cop car with sirens blaring went by our house." Reid shrugged. "Unlucky timing, I guess. Mom thought I signaled the government and so she threw a quilt on it to put it out. The blanket was in flames by the time I had the fire extinguisher. I got it out before the place went up, but Mom locked me in my room for that one… I was afraid to light candles after that, but I kept flashlights constantly. I can't believe I left mine back at my apartment, actually…" _Well, that probably didn't lighten the mood_, he thought after he'd relayed what he'd hoped would be a humorous anecdote.

Hotch was nearly seething with rage at this point. Based on vocal tone and the pathetic excuse for a smile that Reid was trying to pull off, Hotch knew Reid had related that little tale in an attempt to brighten the mood for Hotch. It didn't work.

Had there ever been anything that went easily for Spencer as a child? Just as he was about to go into a mental tirade at how unfair life was, he realized that Spencer had tensed again, clearly reading off of Aaron's body language. He had curled in on himself again, probably subconsciously. This drained any rage Aaron had, leaving him only with love for the young man beside him. He moved closer to Reid, pulling at his shoulders until he was relaxed again too, now leaning into the protection offered by his lover, head rested on Aaron's shoulder.

Most days, Spencer was thankful for his mental abilities, but sometimes it was a curse. What allowed him to so vividly recall his first kiss with Aaron was equally responsible for forcing him to recall every painful word his mother had screamed. _Betrayal,_ he could hear just as clearly as when she'd first shrieked it, _my own son is betraying me! Spencer, why are you doing this? I never did anything to hurt you… _In moments like these, simple memories were better torture than even the most prolific UnSubs could create.

The candle still flickered, casting shadows along the walls, along the ceiling and along the two seated on the loveseat. Hotch wrapped his arms around Spencer, holding him close and breathing in his scent.

Aaron understood now.

For Spencer, darkness meant chaos. Lights were equated with normalcy and consistence; darkness meant unpredictability and fear. Fear of what his mother would imagine next, fear of what his classmates would think up to torture the young boy, fear that something even worse was just around the corner. When darkness descended, whatever was coming was a complete surprise. God, it was no wonder that he hated the dark.

The illumination he found at his understanding put a whole new spin on Spencer's fear.

"I'm so sorry you went through that," he whispered, before kissing the top of Spencer's head, pressing his lips to the brown hair. "I wish I could do something for you, to help you forget it…"

"You being here is enough."

The small candle was reaching the end of its life. The flames flickered wildly before dimming lower and lower. "It's going to go out in a minute or two," Aaron warned. "Should we go buy more? My flashlights are all dead and I left my raid light at the office."

Spencer considered it. Aaron was willing to go out in this weather, at almost midnight, to buy a candle so he wouldn't have to sit in the dark. That, in and of itself, was enough to calm away most of his fears. "No," he responded finally. "I'll be okay – if… you're here."

Aaron smiled. Spencer still had a long way to go: chances were high that he never would overcome his phobia completely, but this was a major step in the process. Aaron reached out and took the younger man's hand as the candle died and the darkness was suddenly engulfed them.

"Spencer Reid," Aaron vowed as the light diminished, "there's nowhere else I'd rather be than here with you right now." _And forever,_ he added silently.

The slightest hint of pink brushed Spencer's face at his lover's words. "Me too," he replied, voice brimming with emotion. It really did mean the world that Aaron would listen to him as he relayed some of the worst memories he had from childhood. Aaron was staying, even though he had stupid fears and a less-than-perfect childhood that still influenced him in ways. Illumination that Aaron would stay with him through it all… it was incredible, and it lit a smile on his face.

This is why he was completely confused when Aaron stood abruptly. "Come on," he said, "Get up."

"Where are we going?" questioned Reid, voice full of confused trust.

He could hear the smirk in Aaron's voice. "The bedroom," he responded. "I want to _see_ what else we can do in the dark."

Spencer felt fire rush to his cheeks as he blushed. For once, he was thankful for the darkness. He followed his lover into the bedroom, even managing to laugh as Aaron tripped over the towel he had left on the floor and proceeded to crash into a chair, taking Reid down with him.

Laughter was soon replaced by gasps and moans as the two intertwined. The darkness didn't hold chaos and fear now, but pleasure and love and intimacy beyond what mere eyes and vision could produce.

For Spencer Reid, the darkness was finally embraced through the embrace of Aaron Hotchner.

The electricity came on a few hours later, filling the room with bright lights where the two lovers lay sleeping. It was Spencer who awoke at the sudden onslaught of brilliance, and it was Spencer who got up, turned them all off and climbed back into bed with Aaron. He didn't need the nightlight they always kept shining: Aaron already illuminated his world in ways that didn't involve fluorescents and filaments. _Maybe the darkness isn't so bad when you're not alone,_ his mind whispered to him as sleep began to pull him under again.

Wrapped in his lover's arms again, Spencer had to agree. Maybe the darkness wasn't so bad after all.

"_Keep your face always toward the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you." _

– _Walt Whitman_


End file.
